Last weekend, I discussed with my aunt who had "Contamination OCD" and my cousins about my symptoms that relate to OCD, it was nice, I felt understood, I'm really thankful to have a family like them, and I want to thank them for the help they did for me. I'm very likely to have OCD, that's why I'm seeking a psychiatrist for the diagnosis of my OCD and to deal with my abandonment trauma in a few days, thanks to my father, and thanks to God, wish me luck.

I did my research, and I perfectly match the symptoms of

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Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

OCD^↗, and if I do have OCD, then this just explained a lot.

That's why I have a lot of taboo intrusive thoughts, that's why I'm paranoid on checking things repeatedly, That's why I take showers all the time (Though, I don't think this one is a valid symptom), that's why I do not like it when people reorder my things differently, that's why I get disgusted on things like a literal clean tissue or wet things sometimes, I get to "pinch" them instead of actually holding them, that's why I have a difficulty of getting rid of things that are probably useless, yet in my eyes they're not, I always think they might be useful someday, that's why I'm obsessed with perfection and symmetry, specifically perfectly touching button-like things, or touch anything else that might share the same feeling, if it didn't, I will retry until it feels like it, sometimes even making voices gets involved. And most importantly, the thing that intrigued me the most, is that I've always known myself for doing mental rituals and having tics, I never knew it was a thing until now, and I'm pretty surprised on how accurate this one is, and I also get too anxious when someone notices me doing those rituals and tics, but if I don't do them with perfection, I feel annoyed and anxious, and will redo them until it feels right. Crazy to think that I had that since I was a kid, it always brought a sense of ease and comfort, or else it annoyingly won't stop knocking on my forehead until I achieve it with perfection.

I also realized that I'm

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Excoriation Disorder

dermatillomaniac^↗, which means that I uncontrollably play and pick on my skin, which is one of the kinds of

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body-focused repetitive behaviour disorder (BFRBD)^↗ which is an umbrella name for

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Impulse-Control Disorder

ICD^↗, I specifically pick my fingers' knuckles' skin via my other hand or my lips, and I do it all the time, and it's really not a healthy thing to do, but I unfortunately unconsciously do it, it feels so button-y so that's why im obsessed with it. Surprisingly, this is also one of the symptoms of OCD. And apparently the dermatillomania and the mental rituals are a coping mechanism to my anxiety. But I'm honestly happy to know the answer to my oddly unexplained manners, my constant anxiety, and my ridiculous overthinkings.

That explains why I sometimes get slapped with a sudden horrible thought or scenario in my head while I'm having a difficulty controlling it, they tend to be extremely depressive scenarios, sometimes disgusting, and they do indeed make me feel severely anxious. Now, because of the current personal issues that I got, these scenarios are becoming stronger, so strong that I wish I was not conscious, I wish I could seek a therapist or a professional, but I'm too scared and ashamed to tell anyone about it in my real life.

Dark mode is now available! To access this brand-new feature, go to the Menu sidebar and choose between Light mode, Dark mode, and System's mode (Automatically follows your device's colour scheme preferences).

I'm pretty excited to announce that I bought the domain name

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smb.im

smb.im a few days ago and that it is now officially this website's domain name! And SMBLOG a.k.a. my blog's website's domain name is now

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blog.smb.im

blog.smb.im, I'm so happy I wanted to have a domain name for so long, the day I bought it was the happiest day I had this month, owning such a simple domain name feels amazing, I first hosted this website using

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GitHub Pages^↗, then I evolved, swtiched services, and deployed it on ‌

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netlify.com

Netlify^↗, and now I'm still using the same website hosting service but with a custom domain name!

From now on, you can visit my website on

Visit the main page

smb.im

smb.im and my weblog on

Visit the blog page

blog.smb.im

blog.smb.im, have a great day!

Yesterday was the celebration of the 64th anniversary of

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11 December 1960 demonstrations in Algeria^↗, and I went to the dentist that day, I got rid of my clear teeth aligners and added more elastics to my teeth, I've been wearing clear teeth aligners for over a year now because my teeth needed to get straightened. So anyway, they wanted to file my canines because apparently they were too tall, but it's okay, I was okay with that, but they insisted to file them, but my canines were too sensitive and started to feel pain way too easily, so they injected anesthesia in my mouth, but a lot of things happened that didn't let my canines cease from feeling pain, so I gave up on filing my canines, the anethesia in my lips felt so annoying.

That reminded me of that time I extracted my teeth of wisdom a few years ago, the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

All of those fights and arguments that divide us and make us enemies, I even doubt if I'm following a good or evil side, What is even right and wrong anymore? Why do we all hate each other? Why is the world like this? Full of fights and hate. Why can't we accept each other for who we are and think? And the crazy part about this is then you get to look at some peaceful scenes in this world, the irony just kills you, you know? Is the world only build on divinity and philosophy?

There are people that are truly suffering, and knowing about this makes my heart cry and melt, why are the people capable of helping not helping? There are a lot of people that are seriously mentally distressed, and it hurts and feels horrible to know there's nothing you can do about it, and there will always be people mocking them, and there will always be people willing to die by their own will, and this really messes with me, it makes me want to go unconscious to not know about what's happening in this world.

This might be the most delusional and unfair thing I have ever said, but I wish everyone who lived on earth lived happily in peace in this world with everyone, no matter how horrible they were, but it's impossible, it's paradoxal, ever heard of the

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paradox of tolerance^↗? I just wish we could fix everyone, not saying that we can live in a perfect world since everyone makes mistakes, but why stick with evil when you're capable of not to? Why not always help the one that is physically suffering and the one that is mentally having breakdowns? But no, everyone hate each other, are greedy and selfish, and only follow their desires. I wish I was able to help the ones I love that are in distress, but not everything is meant to be this way, I can't always get what I want. I just watch the whole world burn as I stand bland like a statue.

What I personally think is that we will never find real peace as long as we all think differently, and not thinking differently is just humanely impossible, we're made to have different opinions, but I think that is the root of all evil, chaos, and corruption in this crazy world. All I can do is pray to God to bless all of humanity and fix this world no matter how impossible it might seem to be, because nothing is impossible to God, and I hope you do that too. Have a nice day.

I finally understand what's been hurting me, I actually have

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abandonment trauma^↗, It's so horrible I despise the existence of such a thing.

I'm sorry if i've been very whiny lately on my blog, I deeply apologize, but I really can't help it.

How come? What have I done?

I've been sad for over a month, It is true that the sadness is painful, insupportable, and unbearable, and I don't think I am able to move on. But it's okay, it's part of life, and I think that teaches to not give up, my advice is to chase your goal, no matter the obstacles, work hard, really hard, and show that you're capable, what you wish for may be hard to achieve, but it isn't impossible, still achievable, so you better go and run towards it. There's always hope and changes that will lead to the best, expecting the unexpected is what makes it fun.

Some people would say to let go because it will do harm more than good, I think that's incorrect. The harm is part of the experience no matter how unbearable it is, when you achieve your goal, you will see how relieved you will be, it would feel like you stopped carrying a mountain on your back, because if you let go, you will still feel pain whether it's bearable or not, all of what you did will evaporate like dust, as if nothing was worth it, just a waste of time.

All you gotta do is trust God, pray to him, work hard, and believe in yourself, even if you fail after the hard work and patience, just know that God did not ignore your trust in him, your hard work, and patience, that just means he has a better path for you, or the path you were following was actually going to do more harm to you. I wish y'all the best luck. God bless y'all.

My eyes are dry, my vision is blurry, my skin feels fake, my soul feels disconnected, what I see feels like a TV screen, living a routine today that feels like i've been living in a loop for a million years, same light, same colours, same patterns, same actions, same activity, it feels so eerie, it feels inescapable, and I feel so empty, a feeling what I would personally call "Temps Coincé

It means "Stuck Time" in french

", it's not you that is stuck in time, but rather the time is the one that is stuck in you. And I must say, it's not the best feeling.

I think that's just

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depersonalization-derealization^↗.

I miserably failed.

I am sorry for hurting you, you gave me lots of nice memories in my head, they meant a lot to me and inpsired me, you do not deserve that hate, you maybe get to show some anger sometimes but that's fine, you're amazing and loved.

I'm asthmatic, and I got an asthma attack yesterday after P.E.. Back then, my asthma was treated and i didn't get an attack for several years until yesterday, it's back and active again.

Having an asthma attack feels like you're breathing from a narrow straw, sometimes your lungs might hurt, and I personally started to smell the smell of iron for some reason after overexercising, you'll make squeaky sounds like a rubber duck, and when you cough, it feels like coughing liquid, and it makes sense since what asthma does is fill inflammatory liquid in your air sacs a.k.a. Alveoli. The more you know, huh? But it does suck.

I HATE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!! THIS IS NOT A DREAM, THIS IS A PSYCHOLOGICALLY HORRIFYING NIGHTMARE!

This website makes me feel like I'm free, I get to vent and express myself the way I want in this simplistic, empty, yet white and bright world, just like the world I always wanted to live in. I get to do the talk, I get to design and decide how this website should look, no more chaos, drama, propagandas, and control over me like most social medias do if not all. This, is peace, my wide endless world that goes my way, I can talk using my own manners, no more pretending, this is where I can meditate and escape the chaotic world, where i'm free, expressful, and happy, the emptiness that relieves my mind from the evil and confusion. This is my heaven.

Care to note that I'm not sharing private and intimate information and news that I'm not comfortable sharing, this is not a diary, this is a blog, and one that is special and unique on its own compared to the average kind, this one is a new kind, and is what I would call a "void blog", empty and peaceful. Thanks for reading, God bless us all.

On sunday I have a math test, on tuesday a science test, and on thursday a physics test, and it's the second one we will do so far. Wish me luck this week.

I'm very busy and that's the reason I'm rarely posting on my blog, I have the baccalaureate exam this year so it's pretty much expected, even though this might take months, I will eventually be active, post more often, and try to upgrade the UI and add features to the website, thanks for your patience.

I sent a physical letter to someone all by myself, I went to the post office and did everything all by myself, it was fun, I learned a new thing, and I became happy about it.

It was okay, There are some ups and downs, and I hope the ups took most of it. It wasn't hard, but it also wan't easy, you know? It was full of small tricks and long processes, but I hope I aced it.

At first the test almost got cancelled due to technical issues which made me relieved in a way because I wasn't really mentally prepared for it, but then an hour later we actually did the test, quite a twist but eh.. better than nothing, wish me luck!

Well, I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but hopefully It'll be okay.

I'll let yall know how it goes.

The favicon is the icon of the website you see on its tab, mine is kind of a mask of my mascot logo in a circle with my two favourite colors, blue and yellow, and I think it looks pretty cool and memorizable.

I made it a long time ago for a future website of mine, and I got the chance to use it here. Personally I like it, hope y'all like it too!

I took time to find my own designed logo, and then added this thin font from a typeface called "Poppins" which is also used in the website (I know a lot of people hate it, but personally, I love it), I might be crazy for using a geometrical typeface on my website, but whatever that's what I am.

Anyway, the logo, I'm loving it. Hope y'all do too!

Howdy, I'm Sami Bellabd, mostly known as SMB, and I just made my first blog website ever. What you're reading is the very first post on it. In fact this is the very first website that I shared online with the world. I'm generally an artist, but I'm also a web developer, and I thought making a blog site might be a good idea. I get to talk about myself in my own way, and express myself easily.

Though, I'm not really in a good mood these days, so I'm not really that excited about it to be honest, I have some personal problems at the moment, but I'll manage. I know this is really bad timing, but it's gonna be fine. I kinda was rushing this website, it's the reason why it looks basic and beginner-looking, I will eventually update the UI and design, and will also add features, but for now, we have this.

I hope whoever's reading my blog posts will enjoy doing so. Until we meet again.